the reason we have set this page up is to give helpful advice to readers like you. we have a team of trained experts, we do really, who can assist you in all of your trials and tribulations. so please let us give you advice on your relationships with the opposite sex and anything for that matter. we are here to help ( and laugh ). thank you.

ace rockolla
aim ace rockolla

nickname: ray

ace i got a problem. 2 problems. plain an simple.
1. is jerkin of bad for me?
2.what can i do to treat *ahem* "shortness of the staff"?
like the site, keep it up

thanks for submitting your question ray. seems like you have a lot more motivation than the rest of the shitgooses that read this site. to answer your question, jerkin off isn't bad for you unless you choke the one-eyed yogurt slinger 12 times a day like drake does. if that is your case you can contact drake about his rehab for compulsive masterbaters. but if you are spankin it once a day or once or twice a week...i think you're cool. to answer your second question, i think you're done screwd, and should learn to live with your angry inch. just cause your hung like a twelve year old doesnt mean you're any less of a man... hehe

nickname: eve

Sexy Ace,

Well, now that I have read through all the other fucked up questions, I have mine. I moved to another country, and I came here with all these nice morals of waiting a year for my boyfriend to come here... Reality check, it´s not going to happen, and at this point I am pulling my hair out from being celibate. So, how the hell do I drop the major hint to my 30 year old German instructor I want to rip his apart and eat him alive? ;) This he´ll mind the 12 year age difference?

yeah being celibate is not an easy thing to do, just ask drew. he's a virgin by default since he hasn't got laid in like 2 years. and yeah, reality check, stop waiting for your boyfriend, the bastards probably porkin some other broad anyways. so you want to mount your professor eh. tell him "ich möchte Sie anbringen" then see what he says. if the guys iss 30, i'm sure he'd love to have some 18 year old ass. after school is over tell him what you think. your in college right? this won't work if your in highschool.

nickname: willie

like sometimes i just feel like sitting at home and listening to music and working on my computer on the weekends instead of going out drinking and looking for girls...is something wrong with me?

yeah, your probably gay. or your name is stile. i'm a computer nerd, i'll admit that, but fuck. you gotta get away from the damn thing every now and then. i spend so much time on my computer from school and from helping drew with this site and i have no problems leaving it on the weekend. go get drunk and find a bus station skank.

Surgeo

my question is.. i know you dont know the answer. cause no body does.. actually i havent got a clue why im writing this crap in, but here it goes for good measure. "what is the meaning of life?" i know everyone has their answers, i was wondering what is yours. hmmmm.... submit this shit huh? swank.

what the fuck kind of question is this. i'm a sexpert, not socraties. but i guess i can tell you what life is about in my opionion. theres beer, women, and sex. you get drunk, you meet a good looking broad, then you nail her. thats pretty much evey mans goal in life. then after college you spend the next 35 years working some stupid ass job from 8am till 5pm every fucking day. then you meet some chick you want to or at least you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. after that mistake you have little kids running around and your life will never be the same ever again. your wife will nag at you, your kids will run you up the wall. don't we have so much to look forward to.

nickname: kato kailan

ACE-Why are all women lying, back stabbing, cheating, cum whores??? Except my girlfriend who I know doesnt cheat on me.

because their women. that why they were put on this planet, to fuck with us. and your girlfriend probably is cheating on you, you just don't know it

nickname: Von

If you are graduating soon, and we're sending kids like you into society, what the hell will become of the next generation? God we're screwed.

screwed. yeah, maybe. you have to remeber theres more to drew and i than this fucking website. this is a place where we can let everything off our minds and its mostly the negative shit. so don't worry to much.

muhahahaha

nickname: OJ

Yes my name is OJ (not simpson) but anyway to my question:

Whats the deal with ugly/fat chicks? Why is it they give the best head? Why is it that the hot chicks either think they are too good to give head, or if they do give head they suck at it....its like a crewl joke.

Oh yeah P.S. Fat/ugly chicks usually swallow to.

well oj, its like this. fat/ugly girls have a little bit less of an advanage then most normal girls correct because their ugly. so in order to make up for their inadequacies they have to give good head, what else is there. and yeah, it is kinda a cruel joke but don't get down on yourself. theres plenty of hot girls that can give good head. and theres plenty of hot girls that swallow too, your just lookin in the wrong places.

nickname: micah

Why does my dick always hang slighty to one side?

well according to newton's theory of penal-tivity, its quite simple. we are all born with 2 testicles, well for the most part, except for drew. when you take the length of your shaft, we'll call it (s = shaft) for simplicity, and square it by the derivative of (t =testicles: don't forget that you have 2 testicles so you must divide by 2) you will realize that your shaft will always point to the southeast. in order for the theory of penal-tivity to be true the barometric levels must be equal in both testes in order for this phenomina to occur.

nickname: LJ

Try this one. there is this girl I have been with for over 2 years. we have been fighting alot. I found out she cheated on me like a year ago. but I continue to fuck her, but now mostly in the ass...kinda hate fuckin her. I keep putting up with her shit rather than going off on her because of the sex. question is will I be more satisfied by crushing her ego - i have enough on her to make her want to put a gun to her fat head(with her- image is everything) or should I continue hate fucking her it's kindof fun as well- oh
and I'll send you the picts I took of her dumbified drunk and passed out ass-naked of course. god she is a fuckin hoe. at least she is a freaky one. that's the only thing keeping me with her.

lj - you need to ask yourself what you want. if you want a piece of ass everynow and then, i would stay fucking her. but if its more important to you to crush her ego, then do it. i would fuck her until she does something really fucking stupid then stomp all over her ego. it sounds like its a bad relationship as it is so it doesn't seem like it can get worse. you can also make it into a game. when your fucking her in the ass, tell her how big of a bitch she is and how fat she is. basically just crush her ego while your fucking her. then see how long you can hold on till she can get you off. let me know the time. maybe we can have drew set up a contest or something.

ace
p.s. where are those pics at? i wanna see.

nickname: hardon

i have been dating this girl for over a year now and we have a very or decent sex life, but she wont have oral sex with me. i have never had a blowjob before and i am really really curious as to what it feels like. we have talked about it and she has done it before (not with me) but i cant talk her into giving me head what should i do

there could be a few reasons why your not geting your duck sick. number 1: she doesn't like to give head. number 2: your dick smells bad. number 3: shes afraid. theres lots of girls out there that don't like giving head so don't give up. you need to talk to her about it and tell her that you really want it. make sure your shit is clean though. also give her a hard time about it. "howcome you gave head to your last bf, am i not special enough". make her feel like shit, she'll give in and bob your knob. good luck.

nickname: ReallyNiceJerk

Alright... well Wednesday night I was invited to a party by a good bud... the nicest guy in the world. I met him there and he showed up with a chick, she was pretty cute but I stayed away cause she was with him. Well at some point in the night me and her ended up all over each other and she said that she was just friends with him. He seemed pretty upset though when he walked in on us drunk and all over each other on the couch. He asked her if she was ready to go over and over again until she left with him without giving
me her number and then in the morning I reallized that that was kinda fucked up of me to get a girl that my friend wants... Normally I stay the hell away from my buddy's girls.

Anyway the next day he asked me if I was hooking up with her and I said no I was just drunk and she was cold so I was holding her to keep her warm and then later our other friends said that he was pretty upset about it.

Well then Friday night we went to another party together and that chick showed up again and her and I were kinda all over each other again and he saw us again... but the thing is that I think that I could actually end up liking her a lot because we have a lot in common.

But I think that us hooking up would really hurt my friend, especcially after I told him that we WEREN'T hooking up.

I think that I should just fuck her secretly and not let him find out.

RNJ-
i have two words for you. bro's before hoes. oh wait thats three. no matter how hot the girl is, no matter how much she wants you to fuck her in the ass, if your friend has liked her before you, let him work on it. even if the chick doesn't want him. its not worth loosing a good friend over a stupid ass lay, because thats what its going to end up being. relationships don't last forever but friends will always be there for you. don't fuck with it. shes just another trick. let your friend have her.

nickname: Monkey boy

My gf is a conservative little bitch and will not agree to a threesome! She is also really against anal and says the only way I can have it is if I go first! I really don't wanna shove things up my ass and i have no intention of sharing a bed with another guy.
What the fuck am I supposed to do???

Damn monkey boy, sounds like you got yourself a little dilemma. I would definitely not go for the other guy in bed thing, because you would be gay. And I wouldn't shove anything up your ass because you would be gay. It really doesn't sound like she wants anything shoved up her ass including your pecker so it you might need to move to a new trick who likes things in her ass. try the bowling alley. or get her drunk.

nickname: Infected One

Dear Ace or Jon Whoever you are,
Recently I have encountered Herpes. Now my dick is burning. It feels like it is on fire. What should I do? Why is Ask Ace titled askjon.html?? Get your name right...heh heh
p.s. I love your site.

Yeah, well jon was the fuck who used to answer the questions but he died in a homosexual monkey incident that involved fire and gerbils, but we don't need to get into that. Don't worry ace is her to answer all you questions. Except this one, I don't like it.

nickname: bonequisha

wuh sho name?

Ni99a pleze, dis is ace rockolla a tru muda fuck1n playa. Whos da fuck is youz.

nickname: Poorguy

I am having a serious problem, I am a male at the age of 29 and am
still a virgin... What can I do.

yeah, this is defenitly a serious problem. I would suggest taking a position in the clergy. It sounds like you need to go down to the bar and pick up yourself the classiest, most sophisticated, educated, high society, debutant bus station skank. If I were you I might even try the bowling alley. The place is loaded with high quality women. But in all seriousness you might have to pay for sex.

nickname: Cleo

Hi, Jon,
This guy likes me, but my friend likes him. All he wants is a "friend with benefits" relationship with her, and I am assuming with me. I could give two shits and a fuck about how he is a commitment-phobe, cause I am too, but what about my friend?

This reminds me of the time were my friend liked this guy and her friend was all not cool about it. But the first friend told the second friend that he didn't like the third friend, but they all wanted to do it doggy style in the back of a nissan sentra. I had to read your question about 50 times to understand what you were asking. So you want to fuck him and your friend likes him. That's easy. Why don't you both do this guy. That will make everyone happy right, especially the lucky mother fucker you guys both want to mount.

If your friend really likes him then I would say don't fuck him because your just going to cause drama for you and your real friend.

nickname: ReallyNiceJerk

Hey I was wondering if you guys think that it would hurt if I stuck a
beer bottle up my ass... I've been really fascinated with the idea since that whole scene with stifler on Road Trip and stuff... and also, do you think that it would be a good idea to break the bottle once it's inside there?

Maybe if I got drunk it wouldn't hurt to bad... but then I don't want to get TOO drunk cause I still wanna feel it a little, right?

Yeah, I think you probably should do this. I highly recommend stickin inanimate objects up your rectum. Better yet, why don't you shove a fucking waffle iron up your ass and then plug it in. That might feel good.

nickname: poopdick

Ok, what the hell, my girlfriend likes taking it in the poop shoot, I have no problem with that. But what the fuck, the second I penetrate that ass it instantly wreaks of shit, I can't reach an orgasm because I'm to annoyed with the smell, help a brotha out ace

well why don't you have your chick take a shit and wipe her ass before you pop your mini-pecker in there. You can also put some Lysol by your bed and spray that shit every time you pop it in there. That way she'll smell pine fresh. Does she not know it smells like shit? I don't know how down I'd be if my chicks anus if smelled like elephant dung.

nickname: DrunkenDave

I was cooking sausages last night and ended up sticking one up my
cats bottom. Is this behaviour normal ?

of course its normal. What the fuck are you even asking this question for drunken dave. Its very normal to stick large sausages up you animals ass. I'm sure they find it quite enjoyable.

nickname: lilpisco

alright here is my story. there is this chick that has been jocking me ever since this little chippendale incident. she was all wet in the panties about going on this date with me.then....i hear this bullshit that she is flaking on me. what the fuck, who flakes on lil pisco? i find out the reason she is flaking on me is because of my age. what kinda bullshit is that? Ace what should i do about this?

Lil pisco you sweet bitch. Yeah, that sucks bro. Girls aren't nothing but tricks and hoes. Its like this. Girls are expendable. There like a beer can. You have your fun, you do your shit, you hold it and carees it, you get it wet, but when your done, you kick it to the curb. Don't worry about this one little trick, have fun with it. Your in college and you're a little pimp, make the best of it.

nickname: stephanie

okay!..my boyfriend realy wants me to give him head. i never have doen it before....we have been dating for maybe a year!.. i love him so much and i want to make him happyA!. my ? is how do i do it so that he **LOVES** it and wants more

stephanie
well thats an easy one. its pretty hard to suck at giving head (no pun intended) and i can say i've only gotten one bad b.j.. just don't use your teeth, thats the only thing that will fuck up a blowjob. that shit hurts and feels like a cheese grader on your dick. he's going to love it no matter what you do, so just bob his knob.

ace
p.s. if you need any help or pointers ace rockolla is more than willing to give a helping hand.

nickname: stephanie

okay!..my boyfriend realy wants me to give him head. i never have doen it before....we have been dating for maybe a year!.. i love him so much and i want to make him happyA!. my ? is how do i do it so that he **LOVES** it and wants more

stephanie
well thats an easy one. its pretty hard to suck at giving head (no pun intended) and i can say i've only gotten one bad b.j.. just don't use your teeth, thats the only thing that will fuck up a blowjob. that shit hurts and feels like a cheese grader on your dick. he's going to love it no matter what you do, so just bob his knob.

ace
p.s. if you need any help or pointers ace rockolla is more than willing to give a helping hand.

nickname: red

How many days in a row can I drink till I keel over?

red, thats a great question and i can answer from experiance. i would say that you can drink heavily for about a month or so. this past summer when i was in boston i hit about 20 days of straight drinking and decided what the hell, i'm going to go for the full 30. luckily 30 landed on a friday so i got up to 32 days straight of drinking. i don't recomend this. by the end of the month you feel like a piece of shit and you fend for alcohol and you have no money left. this has actually been tested at drizunk.com. go check out there 30 day project drunk.

ace

nickname: mark

What do women have to do when they want to masturbate?

Well there good old buddy old pal, I sure hope that this question is a joke because if its not you are one sheltered young lad. My answer...ask your grandma!

ace

nickname: micah

Is 16 too young a special friend? Oh and is your name "Pisco the pimp" on the streets?

To answer you second question there slap nuts, "Pisco the pimp" is not my street name. My street name is "Pauly Pink Pounder."

ace

nickname: jethro

I enjoy anal sex....a lot. My latest girlfriend however has never done it and dosen't think she wants to try. How do i convince her to.

thats a tough question there jethro. i feel your pain. if a girl is pretty adamit about not having anal sex, chances are pretty slim that you'll be hitting the hershy highway any time soon. i would talk to her and tell her that this is something you really want to do. let her be in control for the first time. meaning you on bottom and her on top. this way she control it at her own pace without you pounding it like a 50 year old pornstar. don't be a pud-wacker about it either. don't just slam it in there, because if you catch her by surprise she'll never let you go near it ever again.

if that doesn't work you can always tell her that you can't get off cuz her pussy is to loose and that you need to put it in her pooper.

ace

nickname: tiffany

I have this fantasy of having forcefull anal sex but I don't have a boyfriend. I really want to fullfill my fantasy. Whats the best approach to bring this up to a guy I don't know that well?

tiffany
i think i can say that i speak for every male out there when i say this. all you have to do is ask. any normal guy will gladly pop it in your pooper. i would. pretty much the key to getting any guy in bed is...well there is no secret. ask or just do it. when his tappin your shit doggy style tell him you want it in the ass. its that simple.

ace
p.s.where do you live, i can help you out

nickname: bob

jon -
I have a girlfriend who i love and cherish and we have been going out for about 2 years now. The thing is, I love her more than anything on this planet. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if i put peanut butter on my balls and let my dog lick it off, is it cheating.

bob-
no, because its your dog.

nickname: HornyBastard

Hey jon-
I need to get laid but the only girls that have been around recently are dirty whores. I could score with one of them but I don't think I should. Should I nail the walking sperm containers or put the effort in for a "normal" girl?

hornybastard-
this is definetly a hard question to answer. i guess it depends what you want really. if you want to get some nanny with no strings attached and wash your dick off in the shower for 30 minutes, nail the bus stop skank. but if you really want sex that means something then go for anormal girl. the only problem with normal girls is the time and effort you have to put into it, but you probably won't get a disease. it sounds to me like you don't want to nail this chick for the hell of it. be patient and it will all work out.

or you can get really drunk, call no shame, put 3 condoms on and nail the ho.
jon

nickname: webmaster

Hey jon-
I am a fellow webmaster and i think i have a problem. My problem is I masturbate too much. All of these hot little cam girls sending me naked pictures and fan pics, porn sites sending me shit. I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself waking off about 10 times a day and I don't think its normal. What is your opionion, is this normal?

mr. webmasturbator-
well of course its not normal, think about it spanky. you spend more time polishing your rocket than you upadate probably. you need to stop tuggin it to little girls and their webcams, its pretty sick actually. you must not have much of a life seeing as you are wacking your pud about 6 hours a day. you need to go out and have some fun with your friends, forget about your website for awhile and go out an party, with a girl even.

now don't get me wrong, wackin off is a perfectly normal thing, just not 10 times a day. pouring beer on your hand to get your date drunk is considered a bad thing. go out and get yourself a real girl, not rosy.

spankfully yours-
jon

nickname: charlie

whats up drew-
i just wanted to ask you a question about my girlfriend. she doesn't like sucking dick and i don't know what to do about it. we have talked about it many times, but there is something about sucking dick that she doesn't like. what should i do?

charlie-
first of all this is jon, not drew and she has a case of the nosucky dicki huh. well what i would do is talk to her again and see what it is about sucking dick that she doesn't like. it could be a lot of reasons. maybe your wiener smells, or your dick is to small for her. you can always shove her head down there. talk to her and get back to me and we can go from there.

nickname: Cheese Head Stacey

I have been sexually active for like 3 years. I have never once had an orgasm.
I've even had a girl eat me out....I still didn't have one. Because you are
such the sex expert, I was wondering if you could help me out. I would like
you to personally give me my first orgasm. I'm willing to go to wherever you
are, so I can get this F*ucked up problem of mine solved.

Stacey -
that is a hard problem to solve even for an sexpert such as myself. this kind of stuff is hard to answer and is different for every women. in order to orgasm you have to know yourself and your body. try masterbating with a vibrator or something, because if you can't get an orgasm by yourself, its probably not going to happen with another girl or guy. when you masterbate i recomend that you take pictures too and send the to drew so we can see what you are doing wrong.

nickname: i am a boob and did not leave a name

Jon,
how come after sex when i go to pee, it goes every direction?

hmm...good question

nickname: balls deep

John, I have a question-
I am pretty well hung, well actually my cock is 11 inches long. what should i do? Everytime a girl sees me she runs the other way when she gets into my pants. Its not my fault I have a big dick.

HAHA. thats the funniest shit i've ever read in my life. 11 inches, HAHA, your not supposed to measure it from your asshole-dipshit. you don't have to lie to get a response out of me you know. i'm sure your dick is about 4 inches, so what i suggest is using 2 condoms, wrap your member twice, and then put a rubber band around the bottom so it doesn't fall off

jon

nickname: blowjob betty

Dear Jon,
I wake up in the morning after giving a blowjob and I still have cum in the back of my throat. I rinse, I gurgle, I eat food and it still stays there. Evertime I burp it stinks like cum. What do you suggest I do about this problem of mine? Please, I am desperate.
Thanks
P.S. You want a blowjob?

to answer your question, yes, i want a blowjob. to solve the problem of cum in the back of your throat i would suggest that you should let your man spill his love nog on your face, this way you do not have to worry about the hassle of cum in the back of your throat. now if this is not an option and you still wanna drink his manhood then i suggest taking a few shots of everclear 151 before you go to sleep. that will clear the cum out nicely. if that doesn't work let me know.

Jon

nick name: random knob

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Totsie Pop?

well another fucking brilliant question. well random knob i would suggest you get your own god damn tootsie pop and suck it yourself.

Jon

nickname: hooterific

I have a major personal problem. I seem to be having this problem down south. I seem to always be frothy in my underwear. I can't tell if it is from this boy that I like or if it is some other reason. It only
seems to happen right after I see him. PLEASE I am in desperate need of help. I have gone to the doctor to have it checked and it never seems to happen when they look so he is no help. But I thought with your infinite wisdom you might be of some help.

P.S.
How big is your Member???????

well i'm no doctor but it sound like you have a case of jon-syndrome. what this means is everytime you see a guy that is very good looking, such as myself, you become insta-wet. don't worry, there are many girls out there such as yourself that get wet at first sight. i have had to deal with reactions like this my whole life, its not easy. and how big is my member, well i'd tell you but i don't want you to get frothy and slide out of your chair.

jon